Taking most of 2009 off dating, sex and men in general I was ready for a real Valentine's day this year. I hinted to the blond I've been dating a few times the week before and finally got the balls to ask directly via e-mail, where rejection isn't as scary and he would have time to think up an excuse before replying. The jerk told me he was celebrating the Chinese New Year instead! Of course he is.. obviously code for 'taking my other boyfriend out for V-day, sorry kid!' That's what I get for dating a Mormon. If only I had some self-respect or he wasn't such a hot master I would totally tell him off... via e-mail, of course.. where I could throw my insults from a safe distance.
With my inevitable life-partner, Liz, away in San Francisco, on a sex tour of college boyfriends, I was left to lick my own wounds and think up a way to get laid on Valentine's day. I had to think gay... mindlessly watching the Olympics a light bulb went off- gays figure skate! Less than an hour later I was lacing up the hockey skates my brother gave me for Christmas last year and was testing out the ice with my eyes and ears open for the Johnny Weir of Central Park's Lasker rink. Much to my dismay there were 100s of snotty kids, but no fancy boys to show off their triple s0w cows for me. So I skated alone on Valentine's day.
Not one to get down on myself for striking out on the first try, I followed an old standard for romantic success. G.T.L. Gym - Tanning - Laundry. This trifecta was the secret to getting laid for the Jersey Shore guidos .. and it would be my M.O. for Valentine's booty! I pumped a little iron and stopped at the tanning salon on the way home so I could look particularly healthy orange for the trashy singles I was sure to meet. Feeling particularly svelte I snapped a naughty camera phone pic and sent it to an ex boyfriend or 3 with a sweet Happy Valentine's Day note. This was sure to make them think dirty thoughts and get me a little attention that I so pathetically craved. Maybe I wouldn't be alone on Valentine's day after all.
I showered and shaved and slipped into a cute pair of red Y-front undies - I hoped cupid was on my side! BUT going out to the bars was the usual flop. The dirty go-go boys got all the attention and I snuck out when my friend's where getting more singles. Who wants a sweaty high school drop out in a jock strap full of ones, when you can walk home in the rain, alone on Valentine's day.
I picked up a Domino's pizza on my walk of shame down 23rd Street. Midnight binging is an international fat girl-no sex on Valentine's day right of passage turned annual celebration for me.
Somewhere between my 3rd and 5th slice of meat-lovers deep dish I remembered my afternoon naughty e-mails to the men of my past and rushed to my computer to bathe in their gushing adorations. I anticipated "take me back" and "let's fuck" exclamations, or at least a "happy valentine's too." But, instead I found only 1 new e-mail - subject line: HORNY MOMMIES. How embarrassing! I grit my teeth and checked my sent mail to see if the e-mails actually went through from my iPhone... only to find the desperate alone on Valentine's day fool I truly am!
With ferocious zeal I tore into the second half of the pizza. Another Valentine's day comes to a close and I think stuffing my face with a meat-lovers pizza is better than any cliché UWS vegetarian dinner, and going out with my friends is better than any Chinese New Year celebration and Horny Moms are way cooler than e-mails from my ex-boyfriends anyway!! Maybe I shouldn't take advice from The Situation.. he ended up in the hot tub with Snookie! ...and just maybe the red undies will debut next year.
No comments:
Post a Comment